Intent vs. impact: We’ve all been caught saying or doing something that produces an effect so very different – in a not so good or even very bad way – from the one we intended. This happens with friends, family (perhaps especially partners), colleagues, acquaintances, and complete strangers.
In earlier posts, I wrote about using the gap between what we intended and the actual impact to motivate change, and also looked at some factors that can create the gap. Here, I’ll look at ways to chip away at the gap.
Addressing some of the causes for the intent vs. impact gap
Self-awareness and self-reflection: the magic keys
In every case, the capacity for self-awareness and self-reflection is key. It is crucial to develop the skill of observing yourself, noting your intent, noticing your impact, and comparing it to what you meant to do. It is also crucial to make a practice – or discipline – of this kind of planning and self-debrief.
In this way, you become the agent and guide of your own growth. This is what allows you to use each of the things below to move from where you are to where you aspire to be.
Being called in or called out – responding
When our impact does not align with our intent, someone may notice and bring it to our attention. They may call us out, or call us in. In both cases, listening – really listening – will help most in your quest to align intent with impact.
Being called out is really uncomfortable. It usually involves having your impact named explicitly, and may also involve the application of some label (racist, sexist, biased, etc.). Many of us react defensively to this. This is a moment when having worked on your ability to recognize an oncoming reaction and mitigate it will be valuable! What will allow you to listen in that moment?
Being called in is a different, but still potentially unsettling, experience. It still involves a confrontation of some sort about impact, but in the form of an invitation to further conversation. “A call-in is a call-out done with love.” (Loretta J. Ross) This might sound something like, “That’s an interesting viewpoint. Tell me more about it.” It might sound something like, “I know you as a person who works hard to be fair. How do you reconcile what you just said with that?” Both of these are invitations to self-reflection and to conversation. And, since it invites you to re-examine what you just said or did, yes, it’s a great training for self-reflection.
Getting help with things that are hard (to do on your own, or for whatever reason)
Sometimes it’s really helpful to get assistance in arenas where you know you need work/change. Coaching gives active support in working through issues. Study and reflection on topics, e.g. through course work, can also help. In some circumstances, integrating through group work or group coaching can also be game-changing.
Examples of courses that can help:
- My Approach to Conflict – If you know that conflict is a dynamic that triggers you, then learning more about how you respond as well as about other choices for those moments can open doors – and help you align your impact with your intent.
- Understand Cognitive Shortcuts – We all operate with human brains and bodies. This means we all have a shortcut system (Kahneman) that kicks in when we feel threatened. Sometimes this is helpful, and sometimes it is not. Sometimes a more considered, “slow thought” approach works better. This course explores the fast and slow thought systems and responses, where each shines, and how to develop the ability to mitigate the shortcuts (that is, to shift into slow thought) when appropriate.
Narrowing the Gap: Who you are in the world
Our intent speaks to who we would like to be in the world. Our impact reveals how we actually show up. Our intent guides our growth and development, if we are willing to work to align our impact with our intent. This is a reflection of our leadership in our work and our lives. It also holds the flavor of our relationships, and of what we create in the world.
What a great gift! Make use of it!
References and other resources
Calling in and Calling out
Loretta J. Ross – https://lorettajross.com/callingin-online
Ngọc Loan Trần – https://www.bgdblog.org/2013/12/calling-less-disposable-way-holding-accountable/
Kardia Group Courses
Understand Cognitive Shortcuts
Navigating Conflict in Discussions
How we think
Daniel Kahneman, Thinking, Fast and Slow (2011)
