As I reflect on past and current conversations with clients about addressing workplace conflict, here’s one frequently, often urgently, asked question:
What can be done to keep [faculty/staff/department] conflict from “getting us off track” and/or “getting out of hand”?
The answer I share is eventually appreciated, but more often challenging to hear and manage due to timing and urgency. “What can we do?” is often asked after conflict has brewed to the point of bubbling over. Once a conflict has gone unmanaged (or poorly managed) to the point of escalation, there are specific interventions that can be planned and introduced – but that’s another topic, another post. But when clients ask this question before specific conflict(s) have surfaced, here’s what I share:
To keep workplace conflicts from being a distraction and/or escalating, you and your workplace community members need to invest time and attention towards becoming ready for conflict, which involves:
- reflecting on and observing your and others’ approach(s) to conflict, including outcomes
- reframing your understanding of conflict and approaches to addressing it
- practicing and applying helpful conflict navigation skills and tools (in the areas of communication, discussion facilitation, and meeting organization)
- reflecting on the impact and outcomes from trying new, diverse approaches to conflict
Investing time and attention towards conflict readiness doesn’t require a linear approach! Items (2) and (3), i.e., learning about approaches to conflict and related, helpful skills can be done both asynchronously and in discussion with others via Kardia Group online course modules and workshops. Meanwhile, there’s something one can do now to begin cultivating a sense of readiness for navigating conflict – item (1) – reflecting on and observing your and others’ reactions and approaches to conflict. That said, are you ready to take the “friendly disagreement” reflection challenge?
When’s the last time you were in a friendly disagreement? What did you notice?
Let me start with my own reflection: While on vacation, I ended up in a very passionate discussion-turned-heated debate with a longtime friend, colleague and occasional collaborator. I think we both were surprised by the change in tone as we dug into our positions, including the raised voices and other specific and unhelpful nonverbals that surfaced along the way (for me, it was sarcasm). Yet through it all, we literally stayed at a table, sitting closely across from each other, sometimes exchanging side-eyes and eyerolls.
Just as our voices were at their highest and sternest, we suddenly started taking turns dialing down the emotion – first by pausing or stopping reactive “clap backs” mid-sentence; then sitting with what felt like a very long silence; followed by sharing and restating points we agreed on and exchanging respectful “you do you” on points of disagreement (which came with sincerely relieved smiles). The evening’s conversation ended with a change of subject to a favorite, lighter (for now) topic – our current tv/streaming “likes”, which are also diverse and not always shared.
I refer to this conflict as a “friendly disagreement” because it involved someone who is both a friend and a colleague, and the topic was one we both believed to be a “friendly” one – something we both care about and generally agree on – providing professional development opportunities for educators. As I reflect on this disagreement, I’m struck by my own surprise (ok, shock) at my (and our) behaviors, especially as we started to express ourselves more emotionally. I continue to be surprised by my own tendency to raise my voice and/or shift my tone and words to sarcasm when my point of view is challenged – I thought I had that under control! But this powerful and uncomfortable reminder about the persistence my own less desirable reactions is matched by another, more powerful and promising reminder: that in the heat of our disagreement, we both decided to apply a combination of skills, awareness, trust and commitment to valuing our friend-collaborator relationship in order to stay at the table, and eventually dial down the tension.
This kind of reflection helps me get ready to be ready to navigate and coach others on addressing both friendly and not-so-friendly disagreements that naturally occur when passionate, concerned, and dedicated professionals work together. Because most of us, myself included, have been taught to see conflict as something inherently “negative”, it can be challenging to push oneself to reflect on interactions we’ve been told to put behind us, to forget about. But reflection is essential to identifying what needs to be shifted or changed regarding self and group behaviors and interactions, both during and after conflict.
So, for anyone entering another academic year of discussions and decision-making involving colleagues with diverse perspectives (and diverse ways of expressing them), here’s a conflict readiness exercise:
The “Friendly Disagreement” Reflection Challenge
Think of a time you engaged in a “friendly disagreement” with someone (or a group) you have a relationship with (family, friends and/or work). Identify a discussion conflict that surfaced noticeable emotions, reactions, and/or behaviors revealing clear, perhaps passionate disagreement with other views or opinions being shared. The topic of disagreement can be something professional (what to teach, who to hire) or personal (where to eat, what film to see):
Reflect and note: (It might be a good time to start a My Approach to Conflict Journal!)
- Briefly list/describe the topic(s) or issue(s) of disagreement. What would you say were the top 3 major differences shared?
- As the disagreement escalated, what did you notice about your reactions, i.e., what you said and how you expressed it (your nonverbals, body language)?
- As the disagreement escalated, what did you notice about others’ reactions – what they said and how they expressed it (nonverbals, body language)?
- How did the conversation end? What was said and/or done to bring the discussion to closure? What was your role in this? Others’? What, if any, plans were made to revisit the topic(s) of disagreement in the future?
- What do you think makes it possible for you to engage in this kind of conflict and remain on good terms with those involved, post-conflict?
If you’re looking for a place to share your observations, insights and/or questions about conflict readiness, please contact me at andrea@kardiagroup.com. Also check out our Conflict Skills Workshops – gain awareness and tools that can be useful for faculty, staff and graduate students in leadership positions and/or who serve as liaisons, committee members, etc.
